Surgery Is Spiritual Too: A Story About Letting Go

Last summer, I received a call from the nurse at my doctor’s office. “We got the results back. We found precancerous cells on your cervix. We recommend getting them surgically removed as soon as possible.”

I was at work when I got the call. “Ok.” I said a few things I don’t remember, hung up, and proceeded to feel angry, confused, and scared. This was not the call I wanted. Nor expected.
 

I walked over to my coworker and burst into tears. We went to the bathroom. She hugged me. “Get the surgery. Everything will be ok.” But I did not want to get the surgery. I did not want anyone slicing anything off my cervix. Why was this happening to me? I went home and began to do my own research. 

Much of what I read assured me this procedure was routine, but I also read horror stories. “Some women report no longer being able to climax.” “There is a small chance you won’t be able to carry a baby to term.” And that’s when the panic and resistance really kicked in. There had to be a different way. A better way.

I bought books and scheduled calls and took a trip down the holistic rabbit hole. I read up on studies and trials. I discovered herbs and vitamins said to reverse abnormal cells. I booked a session with a cervical expert who told me about emotional patterns linked to cervical dysplasia. A holistic coach assured me if I could create greater alignment in my life, I could heal myself.

I cancelled my surgery and decided I could do this on my own. I could change my diet, my patterns, my life, and, ultimately, change whatever the hell was going on to cause this inside my body. If I could just be healthier, try harder, and become a better human, I could heal this. On my own. I knew it.

Six months later, I went back for another pap with a different doctor. A holistic doctor. My kind of doctor. “She believes in what I’m doing,” I told myself. The natural way. She'll tell me I’m fine. Healed. That this really isn’t a big deal.

A week later, I got a call from her. “So, it looks like your cells have continued shifting. Of course, it’s your body and your choice, but I don’t think surgery is a bad idea at this point.”

My heart sank again. I failed. I spent time, money, energy. I did what felt like the noble thing to do and still wasn’t able to fix it. I had a good, long cry in my car and, begrudgingly, picked up the phone to schedule my surgery.

Some days later, I was soaking in my community hot tub when a man came out and joined me. We began talking. He had a former career selling medical devices and spent a lot of time in hospitals. I told him I was about to have surgery. 

“I swear, Jamie, I noticed this thing during my time in surgery rooms. When a person came in for surgery frantic, the surgery was a struggle. But when they came in trusting, the surgery tended to go smooth. At least that’s what I noticed. It was like an energy thing.”

After he’d gone, his words stuck with me. I was definitely not in the trusting category, and I could continue that way. I could curse this thing and make it bad and scary and wrong.

Or I could try to shift the narrative. Yes, I was scared, but maybe I could try to trust a little bit too.

When the day of surgery came, and I found my body shaking, the nurses were kind and calm. Some made me laugh. “Don’t worry. Pretty soon we’ll give you a nice, little cocktail and all those nerves will go away.” And they did. An hour later, the doctor told my mom it couldn’t have gone better.

I woke up, a little groggy, but in no pain. When I got home, there was still no pain. A few hours later, “Hey mom, want to go out for dinner?” All of the fear and resistance I had spent six months cultivating? Gone.

I looked at my mom and said, “It felt really good to let people help me.” We ate fried chicken and mac and cheese and I felt gratitude. Awe. Relief…

I could look back and say my choice to have surgery wasn’t spiritual. There were no miracles. I wasn’t able to slay all of my emotional dragons nor heal myself with vitamins and herbs. But, in some ways, surgery felt spiritual too. 

I walked into the unknown that day with no choice but to trust. A team of people came together to help me with skillsets beyond my comprehension. And now, my body is working to regenerate new cervical tissue. That all feels pretty incredible to me.

I’m not saying I made the right choice, but I can say I made the right choice for me. The cells are gone, and I can relax now as I keep learning better ways to support myself and my body.

They say the way you do one thing is the way you do everything. If that’s true, I hope this means I welcome support in other areas of my life too. As Brene Brown says, “We don’t have to do it alone. We were never meant to.”

Love, 

Jamie